Dibujo basado en palabras escritas en 2014:
“Todavía me da alegría. Todavía me da pena.
Hay días en los que siento que nunca voy a sanar. Pues, sanar si. Pero una recuperación total, no, suena imposible. Hay días en los que creo que me van a amarrar hasta que me ahogan. Mi alma llena de noche. Solía pensar qué después de diez años—si es que llegue a diez años sin ti—voy a estar bien. Tengo que estar bien. “Con el tiempo todo sana,” verdad?
Y es cierto, voy a estar bien.
También, admito, hay momentos en los cuando estoy en los sin fin bosques, inclinada escuchando la canción de la flor, que ya no existe esta tristeza. Al contrario, estoy plenamente satisfecha. Ya no es día de llantos. Bueno, te digo estoy bien pero también un poco triste. Las emociones así contradictorias y complejas coexisten. Así que — abrazo mis sentimientos salvajes. En el dolor y enamorada.
Y digo que si, todavía me da alegría. Y si, todavía me da pena.”
-Winsor Kinkade, 2014
“In grief and in love”, pen on paper, 2021
Photo of my dad painting at his easel with Merritt Kinkade, Placerville, CA, c. 1988
This drawing came about during a weekend that I received training in administering Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy. EMDR aims to access and reprocess traumatic memory networks stored in the brain from traumatic experiences, creating more adaptive thought processes or information. It is a powerful form of mind-body medicine, yet is gentle in its approach to healing deep trauma wounds. Throughout the training, we had opportunities to experience EMDR for ourselves (although I have been fortunate to experience it previously and can testify to its healing ability). This naturally created an opportunity to dive deep into stored memories and experiences of childhood. Dreams became vivid and exploratory as my body and brain continued the hard work of processing these memories in REM sleep. What a beautiful creation we are! We truly are made of stars.
The memory of drawing with my dad continued to tunnel its way into my conscious thoughts, along with an excerpt from a few years after his passing that I had written. This drawing was completed after day 2 out of 3 of the intensive training, where I felt I needed to give space in this world for these special, magical, and persistent memories.
“In grief and in love” reflects on the dual realities that exist when we lose someone close to us, especially someone who caused us great suffering. “Bueno, te digo estoy bien pero también un poco triste. Las emociones así contradictorias y complejas coexisten.“ I’m okay, but also a little sad. Contradicting and complex emotions such as this coexist. It is a strange and wonderful gift to be alive. This excerpt and drawing aims to give voice to all of those experiences.
Big hugs to all.